I’m not a music snob. I own too many John Mayer albums to claim that title. That said, there’s no way I’m the only one who’s utterly appalled by the crap that’s infiltrating Top 40 radio.
A few years ago, I would blame it on ringtones. The chorus has always been integral part of creating a hit, but when people started shelling $2.99 to hear a 15-second snippet every time they received a phone call, music took a serious turn for the worse. Ringtones are still popular today, but the trend has cooled. I’d like to think ringtones are impacting pop music as much as they were the past few years.
Still, Top 40 sucks.
Among the worst offenders for creating this brainless music is Ke$ha. Here’s what you need to know about Ke$ha: Fergie + Pink = Ke$ha. She’s another painfully contrived product brought to you by record label execs and their trusty little focus groups. Since “morally bankrupt” and “shockingly indiscreet” is so hot right now, Ke$ha tops the charts with her insufferable single, “TiK ToK.”
I knew from the first time I heard it there was something I hated about it. Throughout, Ke$ha’s lyrics flex the kind of hyperbole that would make a gangster rapper blush. It’s four minutes of outlandish claims and ridiculous oneuppery. To better understand my hatred — and to better convey it to you — I’ve reviewed the song’s godawful lyrics a few times over and come to reasonable argument that this is one of the most nonsensical songs of all time. Here are some of the lowlights:
TiK ToK: A Lyrical Deconstruction
Wake up in the mornin’ feelin’ like P. Diddy.
Grab my glasses, I’m out the door,
I’m gonna hit this city.
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
‘Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t comin’ back.
How, exactly, does P. Diddy feel in the morning? She feels like a hundred-millionaire African-American rapper/fashion designer/media mogul? Unlikely. As far as brushing her teeth with Jack Daniels, that’s just not plausible. Liquid doesn’t translate to toothpaste. It’s more likely she would use Jack as mouthwash. (Mouthwash already had alcohol in it.) I take issue with the timeline: She’s waking up in the morning and brushing her teeth because she’s leaving for the night? This plot is whack.
Conclusion: Ke$ha is concerned with dental hygiene, but she’s also a raging alcoholic.
I’m talking pedicure on our toes, toes.
Trying on all our clothes, clothes.
Boys blowing up our phones, phones.
Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs.
Pulling up to the parties.
Trying to get a little bit tipsy.
This part reeks of multiple personality disorder. Who is “our”? Or is she speaking in the first-person plural? Fact: No one has favorite CDs anymore. The fall of the CD is too recent for this to be an ironic or nostalgic bend. I call bullshit. If anything, she’s pulling up to said parties listening to the radio or an iPod plugged in via A/V cable. And you know she’s not trying to “get a little bit tipsy” if she’s starting the morning out by swigging Old No. 7. It’s a credibility thing, folks.
Conclusion: She’s using Autotune and a fake British accent. She’s provoking the shit out of me.
And now the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger.
But we kick’em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.
Exactly zero men in the history of the world have ever formed a line to see women with swagger. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “swagger” as “to conduct oneself in an arrogant or superciliously pompous manner.” Speaking on behalf of the Y chromosomes, we are attracted by many things in a woman. Arrogance or pompousness are not among them. The Mick Jagger statement is clearly exaggerated. Have you seen Mick Jagger lately? So, Ke$ha is attracted to grandmothers dressed in drag. Or dead people. In which case, she’s a necrophiliac. I suppose it was only a matter of time. Marylin Manson is pissed.
Conclusion: In Ke$ha’s little alcoholic dreamworld, only men who wear suede tuxedoes and four decades of cocaine use stand a chance.
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk.
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk.
Her concern is not whether she’s being sexually assaulted, but whether if the “boys” who are doing it are too intoxicated, in which case she’ll respond by assaulting them. This is the type of destructive behavior Courtney Love lost Frances Bean over. Of course, the good news is if the “boys” trying to touch her “junk” do “look like Mick Jagger,” one “smack” and she should be safe.
Conclusion: If just one parent posts a YouTube video of their young daughter singing this song, Child Social Services should immediately intervene.