Vanc-over: Bidding the Winter Games Adieu

The Canadian women's hockey team celebrated their gold medal win by fulfilling every stereotype imaginable short of eating ketchup-flavored potato chips and using their universal health care.

Finally, the 2010 Winter Olympics are over!

No more 21-year-old athletes dying because a course was made too unsafe and organizers were too arrogant to acknowledge the danger in the first place.

No more American skier Lindsey Vonn, winning one gold medal, then promptly crashing or getting DQ’ed in every other race, but still feeling entitled to rip her teammate and suggest she appear on Saturday Night Live for a spoof on Tiger Woods’ apology.

No more Apolo Ohno, whose gaudy soul patch makes me want to wax my whole life.

No more Polyanna essays by Bob Costas, Jimmy Roberts or Tom Brokaw declaring sport is the most important thing in the world and Canada is the greatest country on the planet and nothing matters more to national morale than your country’s performance at the Olympics.

No more bunk-ass Olympic medals that look like they were made by Pam Halpert. (Furthermore, no more postponing The Office for three weeks in favor of the luge on seven-hour tape delay.)

Luckily, American athletes were given the proper apparel to look like a bunch of pretentious, Ivy League stiffs at the closing ceremonies.

No more gratuitous branding opportunities, like Ralph Lauren Polo logos the size of an actual polo player on the American apparel for last night’s closing ceremonies.

No more cross-country skiing races that go 50 kilometers. We’ve got snowmobiles for that kind of trip.

No more “most important hockey game ever” B.S. after Canada defeated the U.S. 3-2 in overtime yesterday on a goal by Sidney Crosby. It’s still an awful sport to watch on TV and always will be.

No more acting like those stupid red mittens with the maple leaf were anything more than stupid red mittens with a maple leaf. Quit acting like every fashion show in Milan was abuzz.

No more acting like curling is going to catch on. The kind of person who would watch curling and think Now that’s a sport I could enjoy! probably has no desire to lug around a 50-pound block of granite in the name of leisure.

No more tape-delayed sports. In the era of social media and 24-hour news, it was insulting to Olympics devotees to think they could avoid hearing scores and medalists until events were broadcast in primetime. If you’re going to pay bookoo bucks to air the Olympics, NBC, push all-in and show it in real-time, 24/7, especially when the time zone makes it possible.

No more Sarah McLachlan. Ever.

No more sports where costumes are involved. (Yeah, I’m talking about you, figure skating and ice dancing.)

No more pretending the Winter Olympics feature the best athletes in the world. For that, we must wait until 2012 when the real best athletes in the world compete in the Summer Olympics in London.

No more withholding credit to British Columbia for being one of the largest marijuana importers to America. Now that’s a feature I’d love to hear from Tom Brokaw.

No more acting like the Winter Olympics carry on the tradition established in Greece thousands of years ago when it’s plainly obvious the winter-version was formed as a commercial opportunity that attempted to bank on the success of the real Olympics.

No more highlights of the 1980 U.S. vs. Soviets game. It was one of the greatest games in American sporting history, but a reminder that it’s the only real Winter Olympics moment any American gives a damn about.

No more waiting for March. It’s time to start thinking about Selection Sunday folks, because in just a few weeks, we’ll be frantically filling out brackets for March Madness office pools and becoming overnight fans of Cinderella schools like Sienna or Northern Iowa. The most overrated sporting event in the world gives way to the best sporting event in the world this month.

It’s about time for some real sports action.

6 thoughts on “Vanc-over: Bidding the Winter Games Adieu

  1. I take it you didn’t watch the Closing Ceremonies when women dressed as maple leaves and blow-up beavers pranced around on ice. I was all for the Olympics until I heard who was performing the act…..Nickelback. Big mistake, Canada.

  2. I think I watched a grand total of maybe two hours of the Olympics and it was all whilst it was on in the background while drinking.

    It’s Spring Training.

    I’d rather watch Nick Punto play long-toss with Carl Pavano than watch the Winter Olympics.


  3. Did I mention I hate Lindsey Vonn? I don’t care if she lived in Burnsville til she was 6 and once rode trainer skis at Buck Hill.

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