The Palin Game Plan From Now Until 2013

Buckle up, Mr. and Mrs. Johnston-to-be. With Sarah Palin set on running for president, these next few years could get dicey.

Like most rational people, I’m horrified by Sarah Palin. It’s not so much her deficiencies that frighten me as her perfectly calculated political career. She, like George W. Bush, proves the power of handlers. We don’t know the cast and characters acting as her puppetmasters just yet, but I suspect we will come 2012.

Of course, one major headline this week has been the reunion between Palin’s daughter, Bristol, and her high school sweetheart, Levi Johnston. Levi and Bristol have a child together. After breaking with Bristol, Levi made the media rounds to tell horror stories about Sarah Palin’s vice presidential campaign alongside John McCain. He even took time to pose for Playgirl.

Now, they’re engaged and it’s all types of awkward for the Palin set.

There have been numerous reports that Sarah Palin is less than thrilled, but when all is said and done, her handlers will go forth with the following strategy:

  1. FALL 2010 – Sarah Palin’s handlers arrange a “private” dinner with Levi Johnston in Alaska. This info is leaked to the press. Paparazzi catches photos of Sarah and Levi hugging afterward, seemingly having smoothed things over.
  2. WINTER 2010-11 – Sarah Palin makes the major network rounds to talk about forgiving Levi and the power of redemption. All indications are the marriage will take place the following summer.
  3. SPRING 2011 – Sarah Palin announces her candidacy for the 2012 presidential election.
  4. SUMMER 2011 – Levi Johnston weds Bristol Palin. Their son, Tripp, is the ring bearer. Sarah, not father Todd, walks Bristol down the aisle. The dinner consists of beef jerkey and mashed potatoes.
  5. FALL 2011 – Levi and Bristol, somewhere in the Bahamas for their honeymoon, are each shot with tranquilizer darts and taken to a secret underground compound in Northern Alaska. They are left with canned goods, FOX News and Tea Party literature. They begin several months of intense hypnosis.
  6. WINTER 2012-FALL 2012 -After months of being lauded for her courageous campaign while her daughter and son-in-law have been kidnapped for nine months, Sarah Palin alleges rogue Obama supporters have sent multiple letters threatening Bristol and Levi’s life should she stay in the race. America rallies behind Sarah, who for once looks emotionally vulnerable, and she becomes the next U.S. president.
  7. WINTER 2013 – After being discovered by a musher and his dogsled team while training for the 2013 Iditarod, Levi and Sarah are rescued. By then, they’ve been hypnotized and allege it was members of the ACLU who kidnapped them.
  8. SUMMER 2013 – Levi poses for Playgirl. Again.
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