Sweating at an Outdoor Wedding

I've never sweated through a vest, but that's only because I've never worn one. I probably could.

My good friend Dave is getting married tomorrow. We tended bar together for a few years in Mankato, so naturally, all of our fellow bartenders from South Street Saloon will be in town to celebrate the union. Knowing them, I’m looking into a securing a B12 drip for Sunday’s recovery session. I’m not as 22 as I used to be.

More so than the absurd amount of drinking to take place, I’m freaked out by this being an outdoor wedding — my first. So far, the forecast calls for 86 degrees with high humidity and little wind. The wedding takes place at 4 p.m. on a golf course just a few blocks from where I live. I don’t do well with heat and weddings. I’ve been a prodigious sweater all my life. That’s never more apparent than when I’m dressed up for a wedding and my body decides to wring itself free of every last drop of moisture, usually via back sweat. Awesome.

These two anecdotes are 100% true:

  1. As a high schooler, I had an issue with pit sweat. Seriously. I would try every specialized antiperspirant on the market, and while it might work for a few days, eventually my determined sweat glands would render it useless. So, what did I do? I made regular trips to the restroom where I would peel off my shirt and dry my shirt under the hand dryers. I would do this four or five times per day.
  2. My mom — bless her heart — was deeply concerned with my sweating issue. She saw how it affected my confidence. She saw how anxious I would get in the days leading up to formals and such. So, she did her research. At one point, she proposed Botox. No, not this Botox. I mean the prescription, Botox. (Travel around the website a little bit. See any male references? No, because men are supposed to sweat. Yeah, right.) I never pursued Botox, because I’d read it leads to rancid breath. We’re talking I-just-had-my-wisdom-teeth-pulled-and-gargled-chili-and-ate-an-old-boot breath. There’s no hand dryer for bad breath.

I’ve said it a few times this week, but it begs repeating: Having your wedding outside in the middle of summer is the best way to tell friends and family you hate them.

However, in spite of my Niagara-like armpits and Evergladesesque back, I’m looking forward to the wedding. I’m a big softy when it comes to weddings. It’s not often you get to witness one of the most memorable days in a person’s life. I wouldn’t put myself through a personal sweat lodge if it weren’t true.

Does anyone have any advice for attending outdoor weddings?

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2 thoughts on “Sweating at an Outdoor Wedding

  1. I always loved when we’d get back home from the gym and you’d have to put your head in the freezer to try and cool down. It literally took you 2 hours to stop sweating from a pick-up game of bball.

    Just in case you’re curious, our wedding will not be outside. You’re welcome.

  2. This is what you need.
    http://www.kotex.com/NA/products/kotex-maxi-regular-with-wings/01004

    They have a sticky adhesive…apply them to your undershirt under your armpits. It feels uncomfortable at first but diligence rules the day. If you position them correctly, nobody will be the wiser, especially if its a long-sleeve shirt. If you use a short sleeve, I would suggest one without wings and not the super long ones.

    When I get nervous, my hands sweat. I’m usually nervous all the time, especially in situations or events where I’m supposed to “shake hands”. It’s the worst. I feint being a germophobe or go around and fist pump people. Not the greatest first impression when meeting your bosses but I’ve battle back from much worse.

    I have sweaty hands just typing this because of all the talk about being sweaty…

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