My good friend Dave is getting married tomorrow. We tended bar together for a few years in Mankato, so naturally, all of our fellow bartenders from South Street Saloon will be in town to celebrate the union. Knowing them, I’m looking into a securing a B12 drip for Sunday’s recovery session. I’m not as 22 as I used to be.
More so than the absurd amount of drinking to take place, I’m freaked out by this being an outdoor wedding — my first. So far, the forecast calls for 86 degrees with high humidity and little wind. The wedding takes place at 4 p.m. on a golf course just a few blocks from where I live. I don’t do well with heat and weddings. I’ve been a prodigious sweater all my life. That’s never more apparent than when I’m dressed up for a wedding and my body decides to wring itself free of every last drop of moisture, usually via back sweat. Awesome.
These two anecdotes are 100% true:
- As a high schooler, I had an issue with pit sweat. Seriously. I would try every specialized antiperspirant on the market, and while it might work for a few days, eventually my determined sweat glands would render it useless. So, what did I do? I made regular trips to the restroom where I would peel off my shirt and dry my shirt under the hand dryers. I would do this four or five times per day.
- My mom — bless her heart — was deeply concerned with my sweating issue. She saw how it affected my confidence. She saw how anxious I would get in the days leading up to formals and such. So, she did her research. At one point, she proposed Botox. No, not this Botox. I mean the prescription, Botox. (Travel around the website a little bit. See any male references? No, because men are supposed to sweat. Yeah, right.) I never pursued Botox, because I’d read it leads to rancid breath. We’re talking I-just-had-my-wisdom-teeth-pulled-and-gargled-chili-and-ate-an-old-boot breath. There’s no hand dryer for bad breath.
I’ve said it a few times this week, but it begs repeating: Having your wedding outside in the middle of summer is the best way to tell friends and family you hate them.
However, in spite of my Niagara-like armpits and Evergladesesque back, I’m looking forward to the wedding. I’m a big softy when it comes to weddings. It’s not often you get to witness one of the most memorable days in a person’s life. I wouldn’t put myself through a personal sweat lodge if it weren’t true.
Does anyone have any advice for attending outdoor weddings?