Newsflash: I Didn’t Win the $355 Million Mega Millions Drawing

Last year, in an attempt to drum up traffic on The Miller Times, I argued the lottery is rigged to be won by large groups of people, like a high school janitorial staff, hospital cafeteria workers or linemen at a factory.

I told readers I would buy a Powerball ticket and I would share the $107 million jackpot if they commented on how they would spend it. By the time the drawing came, the jackpot would’ve been split so many ways, I would’ve been lucky to cover my student loans.

We didn’t win, just for clarification. In a way, I was relieved. I started thinking about all the lawsuits, the false claims, being the idiot who promised away shares of $107 million only to be left with like $34,000 to himself. It would’ve been a nice story, sure as hell would’ve drummed up traffic, but it might’ve driven me to the bottle.

I didn’t get a ticket for last night’s Mega Millions drawing, a $355 million jackpot which will be split by at least two winners. Winning tickets were sold in Idaho and Washington, but the winners haven’t yet been identified.

When I think about winning the lottery — and this used to be a hobby when I was a kid — I never thought about what I would buy, but rather, how I would secure the ticket from the time I won to the time I claimed the prize. That’s not something you go on Facebook and Twitter to brag about. At least not until you have a big-ass check in hand. Discretion is a must. Go somewhere safe. Hell, go into a safe and don’t come out until you can claim that prize. Breathe lightly, though.

You don’t get to sleep the night you win millions of dollars. You make a list of people with whom you intend on sharing the money and exactly how. For me, it goes like this:

• Each family member gets seven percent, straight up.
• My friends get a car (under $100,000) and I pay off their student debt.
• My girlfriend gets whatever she wants.
• I buy a minority stake in the Minnesota Timberwolves from fellow Minnesota State alumni Glen Taylor, then buyout David Khan to become general manager.

Can’t a boy dream?

Instead, it’s business as usual at NE Taylor and 18th, where a well-to-do blogger wraps up another one so he can go to work and earn his keep the honest way. Meanwhile, lucky winners in Idaho and Washington experience a chain of events that will eventually land them on E! True Hollywood Story: Curse of the Lottery Part 3.

Suckers.