For some reason, I had pop artist P!nk pegged for a 40-year-old. It seems like she’s been in the public conscience for a long time – too long – and now she has a greatest hits album, aptly titled Greatest Hits… So Far!!!
(Now would be a good time to pause and explain to Ms. P!nk exactly what an exclamation point means. Her younger clone, Ke$ha, could use a similar lesson.)
P!nk’s latest single “Raise Your Glass” is charting at No. 19 on iTunes. It’s a pathetic party anthem riddled with cliches and the kind of disconnect you’d expect from an aging pop star. But she’s 30! Not 40! It’s closer to a new theme song for ABC’s Cougar Town than the high school anthem she’s going for. It’s as if the “cool” mom who buys all the upperclassmen booze went and made a single.
If you haven’t read the lyrics, you’re missing out. The track acts as an audio scrapbook of all the lame-ass things we said back in the ’00s. (The early ’00s, at that.) It’s even worse when you picture P!nk as I did — a washed-up hag making one last harrowing attempt to reclaim her 2001 form.
Have a listen as you read through this muck. Profundities and cliches have been bolded for your convenience:
Right right, turn off the lights
We gonna lose our minds tonight
What’s the dealio?
I love when it’s all too much
5AM turn the radio up
Where’s the rock and roll?
Party crasher, penny snatcher
Call me up if you are gangster
Don’t be fancy
Just get dancey
Why so serious?
So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways
All my underdogs, we will never be, never be
Anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won’t you come on, and come on, and
Raise your glass
Just come on and come and
Raise your glass
Slam, slam, oh hot damn
What part of party don’t you understand?
Wish you’d just freak out (freak out already)
Can’t stop coming in hot
I should be locked up right on the spot
It’s so on right now (so f_ckin’ on right now)
Oh shit my glass is empty…
So, if you’re too school for cool
And you’re treated like a fool (treated like a fool)
You could choose to let it go
We can always, we can always
party on our own…
There’s no such thing as adult onset ADHD, but if there was, “Raise Your Glass” is what it would sound like.
The changing of a decade generally ushers in a new wave of talent and sound, leaving behind many artists, albums and singles we’d rather store away in a box to be labeled “Bad ’00s music.” The current Top 10 on iTunes includes Britney Spears (No. 1), Avril Lavigne (No. 3) and Enrique Iglesias (No. 6) — artists whose careers never should’ve taken off, no less survived into this decade. What in the hell is going on here. I don’t know whether to be mad at P!nk for making new music or the music industry for not replacing her with new talent.
Then again, maybe I’m just too school for cool.